


Don't Be

by inthemorning



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, i didn't write for like a solid year and this was all i could produce rip @me, it's kinda an au?? i guess, this was supposed to be cute nd fluffy but look what didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4620102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inthemorning/pseuds/inthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, this is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Be

**Author's Note:**

> Slightly based off of "Please Say No" by Jimmy Eat World. Listen [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxe9reiqhyw).

_It was a freezing night and not a single cloud_  
_I had a couple in me so I reached out_  
_And then I heard your voice_  
_Felt you all inside_  
_I prayed for the distance to keep us in line_

     “Cal?” I heard her call into my room. Mali must’ve let her into the apartment. She doesn’t know we haven’t talked in a week. The reason doesn’t really even matter anymore–not as much as me nursing my pride after being ignored the first couple of days. Fuck it.  
     “Balcony,” I say after taking a swig of Bud Light. God knows I can’t be sober for this. Not again. I almost think I didn’t speak loud enough until she places two fingers on my left shoulder. I don’t know if it were to get my attention or just to touch me. I won’t admit to myself that I’d prefer the latter.  
     “Can I sit?” she asks, more nervous than I’ve ever heard in the years we’ve known each other. I look up at her for a moment and decide it hurts too much. The city’s nearly as pretty, but doesn’t make bile come up my throat. I look out to the skyline instead. It’s a decent trade off.  
     “Well, you didn’t drive out at eleven at night to just stand there,” it came out harsher than I intended. “Sorry.” How many times have I said that in the past week?  
     She’s quiet as she sits next to me and dangles her legs through the bars. We sit and listen to the sounds of the city for a few minutes and they only sound coming from either of us was the _ziiip_ of her jacket. I hadn’t noticed how cold it was until then. Maybe it was just the atmosphere between us.  
     “You haven’t called,” she starts.  
     “You didn’t pick up.”  
     “Sorry,” it was her turn now.  
     “Doesn’t matter,” I take another sip of beer.  
     “That I’m sorry or that I ignored you?”  
     “Both, I guess,” I try my hardest not to look at her. She sighs. Being away from her is easier. Not necessarily in general, but lately. It’s easier to love her when she’s away. It’s easier to think about her and try not to and fail to do the only task I’ve assigned myself. It it’s easier to get high and jerk off and enjoy the crispness of the air this time of the year. Maybe not in that order, but I’m still thinking about her anyway. It’s all so much easier than when she’s half a foot away from me and I can’t stand to look at her.  
     “I hate the city sometimes,” she says. Maybe it’s to herself. Maybe it’s to me. I’m not going to ask.  
     “Why is that?” I ask, already knowing the answer. When we leave the city, she never shuts up about the stars. There’s too much light here to see them, and on a clear night like this, I don’t blame her for being a little frustrated. I force myself to look at her now. Will she get that light behind her eyes? Or have I put out the spark?  
     “Maybe it’s just the lowkey pretentious asshole hipster in me but…” she starts a sentence and doesn’t finish it. I don’t think she’s going to. I don’t get to see her eyes light up and look away. The city’s got plenty of light to give me. It’s not the same, but it’s there and it doesn’t hurt. I reach for the beer can and bring it to my lips. There’s not much left.  
     “Sorry,” I say again. I don’t know why.  
     “Don’t be,” she whispers and reaches for my hand. I think I’m imagining it, but the overwhelming feeling of nausea lets me know it’s real.

_If all you’re really hoping for is peace of mind_  
_Don’t come to me with questions, you’ll just waste your time_  
_Exactly what you’re looking for is what you’ll find_  
_All I see around me is a losing bind_

     It’s quiet again. Her hand is warm against mine and the feeling in my stomach hasn’t gone away. I don’t think that’s a good thing.  
     “Why do I feel like I can’t talk to you anymore?” she asks, voice cracking at the end of the sentence.  
     “Because you don’t,” I try to keep my voice level.  
     “I don’t…” she trails off. “What happened, Calum? Why aren’t we the way we used to be?” I can’t bear to hear her like this, but it needs to happen.  
     “Time,” I keep my answer short. It’s easier to sound like I don’t have to throw up in a one syllable response. I swallow what’s managed to come up and she doesn’t speak until I pull my hand away from hers.  
     “I still love you.” It comes out sounding like a question.  
     “Yeah. Me too,” I know what’s coming. This isn’t news to either of us. There’s no point in telling her I love her now. She knows it better than I do. I don’t even know why she bothered coming out here.  
     “Okay.” She sounds hurt and I find myself looking at her again. She’s looking out at the skyline; the lights are the closest thing to stars we have. Huh. We. Am I even allowed to say that anymore?  
     She’s got her bottom lip between her teeth and I reach for the beer can and put it back down. It’s empty anyway. I want to kiss her, but it won’t do any good. Our fate was sealed too long ago and I think it’s okay. It hurts more than breaking my shin and getting my first tattoo and losing my first love combined, but I think it’s okay. This needs to happen.  
     “Sorry.”  
     “Don’t be,” I look back out at the city, the lights blurring together as I blinked back tears.

_Say anything you will_  
_Except how you’d have me still_  
_Say anything but no_  
_And I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go_

     “Please, just do what you came out here to do,” I whisper.  
     “I didn’t want this to–”  
     “Just fucking say it,” I cut her off. No apology this time. This has been burning my insides for the past week. I only let myself realize the extent of this, of us, now. We aren’t happy. Maybe we were once, but now it’s so much easier to love her from a distance. We need this. We.  
     “I don’t want to not be with you,” she sniffs and wipes her nose on her sleeve. I know. Trust me, I know.  
     “It doesn’t make any of this easier.”  
     “I know,” she says, defeated.  
     We’re looking at each other now; she’s crying. The cold air makes her nose and cheeks red and a smile tugs at her lips. I’m gonna miss this. I have to hold the bridge of my nose for a moment and swallow the bile that’s made its way up my throat again.  
     “Why are you smiling?” I choke out a laugh. There’s nothing particularly funny about this at all. It was out of nervousness.  
     “Sorry… It’s just… we were good, right Cal? This is it, but we love each other and it was good while it lasted, but things just need to change. Right?” She’s smiling broadly now, not even trying to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks.  
     I smile softly. “Yeah, it was damn good. We were damn good.” I caught myself using past tense. This is happening.  
     She reaches for my hand again and I let her. The city around us is still in full swing; there are people out there falling in love right now. It’s a bittersweet feeling, really. Acknowledging beginning of love for unsuspecting citizens within a ten mile radius and knowing the person sitting next to me isn’t mine to love anymore. I breathe for the first time in what seems like hours.  
     “So… are we…?” I can’t bring myself to say “over.” I’m kind of scared. I would tell her, but I can almost hear the “don’t be.” So I don’t. She squeezes my hand and sighs sadly.  
     “Yeah.”


End file.
